Emotional (90%)--Okay, so I've been relatively good in the emotional field as of late (the past month or so). I've felt all emotions from happiness to sadness (I might have felt a couple very brief bouts of depression, but my memory fails me these days so I might just be recalling some short sessions of depression from a few months ago...I don't know) and have been pretty content with where I am emotionally.
Physical (60%)--Decent whenever my body isn't taxed too harshly, though working two days in a row can sometimes be just enough to send me into a stressed out physical state. When it DOES get taxed though, I become crippled starting either that night or the next day and can last two or three days depending on the stress endured and the rehabilitation taken to preserve the body through its current damage. This can happen from working 2+ days in a row (I know this doesn't sound like much but my job involves moving many patients throughout a hospital many of whom are very large and need to be pushed and pulled out of bed or their chairs to get them onto a cart, which I then have to push down many halls to get to their destinations) or from one 1-2 hour session of physical exercise (e.g. tennis, dancing, running, etc.). Sex usually isn't enough to destroy me physically but it usually does kill any motivation/creativity I am to have that day. Overall though, if I don't have to work more than two days in a row (which I don't often, I work three days a week and am in school), and if I abstain from all forms of exercise or sex, physically I'm okay. I have many little aches and sore joints/muscles but for the most part I can get through my day. I've also noticed I bruise much more easily and my wounds heal less quickly/scar more often (I believe this to be a symptom of low testosterone). But for the time being I can live with these issues.
Mental (60%)--I have no short-term memory. And I feel like I'm losing some of my long-term each day that passes. I was always known for having such a great memory and now I feel awful every time I realize I've forgotten something (which happens many, many, many, many times a day). This is probably the most depressing side effect because it only makes me realize that I might hit Alzheimers or Dementia sooner than I should. I also feel at a loss in conversations because I can almost never remember what was said to me minutes or even seconds before I have to respond. I can also never recount events in good detail from as recent as the night previous...and if I can, I'll never remember the dialogue--I used to be excellent at remembering word-for-word exchanges. I've lost almost all of my motivation/drive to get anything done and I have almost no concept of what time means to me anymore. Time just comes and goes and I just live each moment as it happens...now that may sound good but it isn't...not to me. I've always been a planner. I would always get things planned well in advance so that I could have plenty of time to relax when I scheduled myself to relax. Now I put things off and hope to remember to do them. I used to have this little internal mechanism that would kick in any time something was due or about to be due and I would then jump on the nearest opportunity to take care of it. Nowadays, I don't have that feature. Somebody texts me and I say, "oh, I'll get back to them in a minute". I remember two hours later...and only when I'm running through my texts because somebody else just texted me. Before I would say that and think five minutes later "hey, text him or her back before you seem like a jerk" or five minutes after that, "seriously, don't make him or her wait any longer". No longer have that thought process. So now I seem like a normal person...not the kind, considerate person I used to be. And I feel awful for that. Brain fog is rare but makes me incredibly confused/depressed when it does occur. My mental processing is also off. I can't compute as fast as I used to be able to and I can't recall words like I used to (definitely a symptom of low T). These are also hugely upsetting qualities because I used to be so quick to come up with answers and I've always been praised for my large vocabulary (which only shows up sparingly these days).
Sexual (30%)--Same sides as before (and maybe some additionals). E.d., numbness, huge loss of sensitivity, shrunken testicles (50% of previous size, I'm estimating), no spontaneous/morning/nocturnal erections, very little libido (Lascivious Thought: I still always want to eat just about any girl with amazing legs or a nice ass and a pretty face...it's my thing...I love eating girls out with these qualities. I always have and I perhaps always will...libido or not. And I could be wrong but I would think wanting to be pleased would be considered having a libido, I just love to please beautiful women), loss of fullness in flaccid size, and that's all I can think of right now. Having sex shrinks my boys (very slightly but significantly to me) and only temporarily relieves any stress I'm going through (literal seconds of relief). After this I usually lose all motivation and get pretty tired (very rare before Propecia).
Overall I've been doing okay. I'm nowhere near where I want to be and I'm functioning at about 60% of my usual function. Though the only reason I'm updating is because today was a weird day...
Reason: Last night I went out with a few friends. We went to the casino and gambled a little; I lost $40. Then we went to a bar and I had three shots (within 2-3 hours) which I felt very quickly. I haven't drank more than one drink in months (probably close to a year) and I've only had one or two drinks in between that time period. I hate alcohol, I always have...but I've abstained from it completely because it's only ever made my situation worse. I never was a big drinker anyway so it wasn't too hard to do. Well, at the bar I danced with a couple of my friends. And I mean danced. I was hopping all around swinging all parts of my body in different motions...looking like a complete jackass, but having a great time with it. I did this for about an hour or two (1-2 hours of physical exercise) and felt okay last night. Drove to my girlfriend's apartment and crashed there. Woke up a little sore but okay for the most part. My girlfriend looked exceptionally pretty so of course we went at it. Afterwards is when the physicality of the night before hit me hard.
I was drained of all motivation and my lower back and legs were completely sore. I almost couldn't move without pain shooting through them. I asked my girlfriend to rub my back to help and she happily did so--we massage each other all the time so it wasn't out of the ordinary. She even used some oil that was supposed to help with the aching and soreness. After the massage (about 10-15 minutes), I felt looser but still pretty sore. She left to hang out with her friend a little bit later and I just stayed at her apartment for a few hours, aching. I tried applying and massaging some more of the oil into my back which seemed to help a bit but I don't know if it was just rest, the oil, or the massage that was helping so I can't fairly say what was working. Regardless, I still felt very sore and took a little nap to hopefully help. Even though naps don't restore any of my energy or mental/physical function, I still take them in hopes that one day their normal function will return.
A short while later, I walked sorely to my car. I drove home and realized that I should take a 5-hour energy to see if maybe that would help any--for the most part they usually gave me decent energy pre-fin and some additional mental clarity--and I had no idea how awesomely it would work. For the next 6+ hours I would have most (maybe all) of my motivation and energy back, granting me the ability to be efficient and get things done and events planned like I used to. I've been mentally strong since around 5 p.m. and have so much motivation even right now as I'm typing this. Granted, I still don't have every single detail pushed into this one post like I would have wanted to at this point two years ago but I do have a significant amount of information (that I'm actually recalling) in here as it is. But even though my memory isn't being awesome right now in this great moment of clarity, I would say I'm currently functioning at 90% mentally. That, in and of itself, is a beautiful thing.
Things that could have gotten me to this point today (which could very well be gone by tomorrow morning):
I've been taking fish oil on a daily basis (most days) the past month or so.
I've been taking 15 mg Zinc on a daily basis (about every day aside from the past couple weeks) the past couple months.
I've been trying to eat better (a fruit smoothie 2-3 days a week consisting of 2 bananas, 6 strawberries, 30-40 blueberries, parsley, and probably about a half cup of milk<<<I know, bad, but I like the protein and it blends well...junk food on average 1-2 times a week--cut from just about every day this time a year ago...and I, myself, have cooked/prepared much more of my diet lately...and have included vegetables every so often.)
But the thing that did it for me today I do believe was the properly timed 5-hour energy. I think it was the b vitamins that have always spelled success for me. Again, I'm very well aware this mental clarity could be gone tomorrow but I'm going to ride on the hope that it won't be. And if it is, I'm going to try to incorporate a properly timed 5-hour...just to see if my theory holds any water.
Sorry for such a long post...I know many of you (heck, maybe all of you) didn't bother to read it because it was so long (I wouldn't blame you) but I haven't written in a great while and I had this incredible day today when I normally would have had zero energy/motivation to do anything. So, I'll keep everyone posted in hopes that I may have found a treatment for my own mental struggles. Thanks for reading guys...hope everyone's doing all right!