Guess what, me again. 10 year propecia man checking in. And what a weird night to post. Normally id make these posts when i'm feeling pretty good, but i'll readily admit i feel a bit down right now. But not too bad. I doubt anyone will even read this but i find it handy to keep a diary.
So, last 2 years ive been doing uni, going to the gym and doing work placements. Uni has been going fairly well (grade wise) although my lord do i hate assignments. The stress of having them over my head is horrible. One more assignment to go till my masters is finished.
The gym - I've been going to the gym for about 1.5-2 years now, doing a semi compound/powerlifting split. Have made some decent strength gains (bench 125kg, squat 170kg, deadlift 210kg). I feel that my gains might be a bit low for my body shape and the way im put together, im a bit of a nugget. Do i have low T? I don't know, perhaps this is usual for someone who isn't neccessarily eating right / good with form.
Work placements - have been doing placements they have been going well. In fact i landed a job a week ago at one of my placements.
Sooo.. How am i going? Well firstly on the cognitive side, I am generally pretty good. I get sadness, i get anxiety.. BUT my learning about claire weekes, acceptance and some other resources have accelerated my mental health leaps and bounds in general. I'm slightly out of whack and sad right now, but i cant always be great. Quite honestly though, learning the truth about my anxiety has often set me free. Sometimes i go through a period of a month with very little anxiety, sharp thinking (at least for me), feeling calm and content. Its very nice, and i have a great deal of hope that this will continue in the future, as i believe in what i have learnt 1000000%. If you have issues with anxiety, i'm a good contact for you.
So this leaves my physical side effects.. Well this is kind of what has brought me here. For quite some time i rarely think about it, especially when im feeling really good. In honest truth i still have a feeling in the back of my mind something is wrong. Its sad, im a kind, good looking, fairly intelligent, funny and socially intelligent man. Yet i just never get laid. Actually at the moment i can sense im being checked out a lot. Yet a part of me is terrified, a part of me also just doesn't seem to have that drive and motivation. Its sad really. What i wouldn't give to just want to really ravage a women. I think that kind of feeling would fill me with confidence and i would seek out someone. At this stage im kind of waiting for a girl to fall into my lap, which wont happen and even if i do i'll probably be too scared. That being said, i can perform sexually ok, I did in the UK and i don't think much has changed. My performance might only be 'ok' though, i sense i'm not at my best.
I'm just going to keep working on the physical/mental, going to the gym, keeping happy, and working on self acceptance / acceptance of anxiety. I honestly think that it is a component to my sexual desire. I think that having my self esteem knocked so hard by what has happened + a very critical father has done a fair bit of damage. I do think changing my relationship to myself and to anxiety i'll notice libido will come back a little. There are little flashes.. Today i was talking to quite a cute woman in my team at work and i could see her figure beneath her black outfit and something definitely stirred. It was almost like the starter motor trying but nothing else happening.
I dream of having my libido return some day. I wonder how much is mental and how much is propecia. I suspect some is due to this drug, as hard to accept as it is. I do doubt i'll ever find a recovery formula here and i probably will never look. The only chance i have is my mental game, my hope, and perhaps time. When i'm not down i can function, my job is fairly decent and I can perform and help people. I can enjoy things in my life although my life is somewhat empty. Every now and then i get joyus because my anxiety fades, and its wonderful and this is enough to spur me on. My only dream is for my sexual system to kick in, for me to imagine myself making love to a women and for it to be a nice thought. If that happens my life might turn from Salvageable, to fantastic.
For anyone that reads this, I wish you the best and you're welcome to contact me.